Once again, I've been meaning to come to this place. I have about 200 ideas to write about in my head, but I'm not quite sure which direction I want this blog to go in. How much to share? How personal to make it? I want it to serve a purpose; what purpose should it serve?
Well anyway, something's been on my heart for a while now, but it's been especially heavy lately. So I figured, what the heck: I'll write it.
I'm that one girl who got a divorce.
I'm also that one girl who accepted Christ as her personal Lord & Savior at the age of 5. I'm that one girl who grew up in church, singing with worship bands and leading her friends to Christ. I'm that one girl who loved acting, and I'm that one girl on 3rd base who loved the sport she spent nearly 15 years wrapped up in.
I'm that one girl who went to Europe when she was 16 and kissed a total stranger names Michele beneath the Eiffel Tower. I'm that one girl who became an advocate for domestic violence. I'm that one girl who never smoke a cigarette or tried a single drug. I'm that one girl who went to college to become a teacher, with a double major in Spanish. I'm that one girl who has full conversations with herself in espanol just to prove to herself she can still do it.
I'm that one girl who got married when she was 18 years old. I'm that one girl who drug her husbands butt to church every Sunday morning, but sometimes went alone. I'm that one girl who went to Bible Studies, led a women's small group and volunteered for VBS.
I'm that one girl who's husband got cancer.
I'm that one girl who still praised God every single day of a suddenly very painful life.
I'm that one girl who have God the glory when a very sick man was healed. And when all he had left was bitterness, I was that one girl who continued to pray through the brokenness.
I'm that one girl who left, for some "room to think."
I'm that one girl who's husband filed for divorce on Valentine's Day.
That was not the defining moment of my life. No, the moment I had in my bedroom 20 minutes ago when I, with small yet powerful words, asked Jesus to live in my heart - THAT defined my life. That set the stage. That built me into "that one girl" and how I would take on every single second of my life.
I've lost dozens of friends, Christian women in my life, because I'm "that girl". The one with the big red "D" on my forehead. I must be so dirty and unloveable, right? What has happened to us, women of Christ? When did compassion and love and understanding go out the door to only be replaced with a finger pointed at someone other than ourselves?
A woman is divorced? Surely she can't be close to Jesus! All those convictions of her life and intimate moments where she HEARD God speak must have just gone right out the door. Right?
God hated my divorce. It hurt Him, and if you have a conscience, knowing that something you did hurt the Father is a tough reality. It will break you to the core. Especially when you realize how many times a day our sin, big or small, breaks His heart. But I speak from experience: I believe God uses us, dirty 'ol sin and all. I believe The Word speaks truth; that when we ask for forgiveness, He will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. (That's a really long ways!) I'm not saying there won't be consequences, because hunny there were! But when you're broken and at the bottom and approach God with a "use me" heart, He WILL.
Now, I'm that one girl with a heart of compassion for "those women"; Divorce, Abortion, etc ... I'm that girl who never assumes I know where a woman's heart is. I'm that girl who worries about her own relationship with Christ instead of others.
Suddenly, all the things I mentioned above that I "was", don't matter. All that matters is that night 20 years ago.
I'm that girl who became a Christian at 5 years of age. And she's not looking back.
Be kind to one another. And show the compassion you hope would be shown I you.
Till next time ....
That.was.beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your friendships lost. I struggle with the lack of compassion and empathy, but also struggle with the perceived right of those mere mortals to stand in judgement of you. They can't possibly be without sin, none of us are. So to deem you a less worthy or desirable friend because of your change in marital status, and to ignore how much they are loved and forgiven by friends, family, God, mankind for all their own sins just because they sin differently, is difficult to reconcile.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Chelsey!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Our pastor preached yesterday that he'd rather have a church of people who have been there and overcame something or are still going through something than a stiff church full of properly dressed saints who refuse to acknowledge the hurt they feel and the things they are going through. He said he'd rather preach to the drug users and gang members than people who can't let the Church see their pains.
ReplyDeleteSorry you lost your friends. A lot of people are ugly for a lot of reasons. I'm an ugly person. I used to be a very ugly person full of hate, judgement, four-letter worded manifestos of hate when people who cared tried to get me to see the error of my ways but I was still too much in the world to care about what Jesus wanted for me. Sure I confessed to be a Christian but it wasn't until a few months ago that I came to understand what that meant and began to live that way.
Being unGodly caused me to lose good friendships much the same way as those being overly pious made you lose some of yours. We get hurt and we can't heal because we trusted those people we thought were supposed to be there extending that healing hand of God and they hurt us even more. Then we found those friends who didn't seem to mind those little things about us that the "saintly" people found dirty and had issues with and even they let us down. I know. I was one of those people. So hurt by the "saintly" among us that I got to the point of sheer anger when my clouded judgement caused me to flip out on a person who, at the time, I saw trying to walk both lines. I judged this friend's lifestyle the same way I thought she was judging mine. I thought, what right does she have to try to get me to live all xy&z when she's doing xy&z and that isn't of God either.
Being Christians mean we don't always do what is of God but we apologize when we do wrong and we try to do better. I've found being a real Christian is a lot like a diet/weightloss program. You can want to be thin and want it more than anything but not have any desire to do anything to make it happen. It sounds good to say, "I'm going to eat better and I'm going to get thinner" but when it's just hollow words and no actions to back it up what does it mean? It sounds good to say, "I'm a Christian and I love God and I love you because I love God" but when it's all talk and no action or you don't leave your old actions to start living new ones then what does it do? It harms you, your loved ones, the church and Christ.
I respect this post and I hope that you are able to find the happiness you deserve.
From a sister in Christ.
Awesome Chelsey!!
ReplyDeleteChels, I'm "that one girl" too. We both have been through so much and I believe it's made us stronger. Thank you for putting divorce in perspective for me. It's not something I'm proud of but it has made me closer to God in ways I would not otherwise be. Awesome post! <3 ya!
ReplyDelete